Active Listening
From our newsletter Emotional Wellness Matters,
*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2016 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037
Active communication requires one person to talk in the other to listen, and both to do their parts well.
Listening is the other half of communication. Our first thought when we think about communication may be to consider the speaker’s ability to convey ideas effectively. What we often forget is that without a listener, the speaker may as well be talking to the wind. Just as effective speaking is an acquired skill, so is good listening. Some do it better than others. But all of us can learn to enrich our own listening skills.
Think about what happens when you hear someone speak. You pay attention to the person’s appearance, to activity in the background, to what you did earlier in the day, to a conversation you had with someone else, or to your counter argument, and how you will present it. Your mind flips from topic to topic as you take only fragments of what the other person says. It seems a wonder that people understand each other as well as they do. The speaker conveys only a portion of the real meaning of an intended word – and the listener may pick up on only a fraction of the information transmitted. We think we know what the speaker was trying to say, but often we are absolutely wrong. (Have you ever played the “rumor game” in a large circle? The first person whispers a message to the next in line, and this message goes from person to person until it gets to the end of the circle. Something like “two kittens were playing with a ball of string” easily mutates into “the lion sleeps tonight” as a message is relayed around the circle.)
Listening is itself a form of communication. Listening to another person sends the message that you care, and you are truly interested in the other person’s ideas. Without the ability to listen effectively, true intimacy and mutual respect between partners, two of the hallmarks of a successful relationship, are not even possible. When you failed to listen to your partner, you may impart the message that here she doesn’t count, that you were the one with all the knowledge, and that you lack respect for your partner. These are hardly the qualities of a thriving and mutually beneficial relationship. Effective listening means that you want to learn from, enjoy, care about, trust, understand, and nurture your partner. A good listener sends the message that she is interested in the world and in new idea ideas and life experiences. To listen well is one way to show that you can love well.
Listening is more than passively remaining silent while the other person talks. It is the other half of an active collaborative process. The first level is attentive, listening. In this mode, we take the position that we are genuinely interested in the other person‘s point of view. We accept the fact that we have something to learn from the interaction. However, this level of listening has his limitations. Even though we are attentive, we will make assumptions about the message, and we tend to fill in the gaps with whatever it is, we want to hear. At this level, we don’t check to see what we have heard is what the speaker really meant to say.
The second, and more powerful, level is active, listening, or reflective, listening. This assumes that communication is truly a two-way process that involves giving feedback. Active listening requires the listener, paraphrase, clarify, and give feedback.