Losing Your Relationship
From our newsletter Emotional Wellness Matters,
*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2016 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037
Most divorcing people are forced to come to terms with a number of fears. What will people say?
Who can I trust to talk to you? How can I handle my partner‘s anger towards me? How do I deal with my own anger? Am I a complete failure? How can I be a single parent? Will I be able to keep my children? What about money? Can I do the banking and buy groceries and pay bills and fix the car? Can I handle my loneliness? Am I completely unlovable? Will I ever love anyone else again? Do I have the energy for this much change? When we hold onto our fears and refuse to do anything about them, we increase the likelihood that these will be the very areas where we experience trouble.
Loneliness – the loneliness one experiences at the time of divorce can feel immeasurable. The finality of the marriage, the uncertainty of the future, and the knowledge that your partner will no longer be there to comfort you or to spend time with you, can all contribute to an empty feeling, that will not go away. The clue is to change the loneliness to aloneness, to change the emptiness to a feeling of peace, contentment, and fulfillment. Looking into oneself and liking what one sees is a key to making the shift into aloneness. (Get into being alone. It is a precious but tenuous gift that can disappear far too quickly from one’s.)
Friendship- divorce is a true test of just who your real friends are. It is important to draw on the emotional support of friends during a divorce. Unfortunately, many of your friends were those who knew you as a couple and they often must choose between you. Even though who tried to stay neutral, find it difficult. Many may feel that your divorce somehow threatens their own marriages, and some friends may now find it difficult to relate to you as a single person. Not only that, but you may find it difficult to trust others during a divorce. Getting out, feeling free, and opening up to other others becomes a major goal of a healthy divorce adjustment.
Grieving – it is normal and even necessary to experience a period of grieving over the end of your relationship. You may feel depressed for some time and experience changes in your energy levels and sleeping and appetite patterns. As unpleasant as it may feel, comfort yourself with the knowledge that this is how you are saying goodbye so that you can move on a healthier and happier future.
Anger – people in divorce usually say that they never knew they could have so much anger. The rage seems overwhelming at times. No, you are not going crazy! Think about it: you just lost one of the most important things in your life and your partner is now in many ways your enemy. You have a lot to be angry about. Use this opportunity to explore your anger and to find out how it helps and hurt you.