*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

To few of us are in touch with a lifestyle choice that can bring us a wealth of happiness, integrity, and wellness. Altruism, or giving to others, has grown out of favor over the past several decades, but has been a feature of human interaction throughout history. Indeed, a history of cooperation and giving has always been a hallmark of what binds a group or even a society together. Two people sharing the resources can produce more than two individuals acting alone in most circumstances.

Many people take the attitude, why should they give anything to another person or organization? Over the past several decades our culture has seen his shift away from giving toward a focus on self-interest. This shift coincides with a weakening of our sense of community, the breakdown of the nuclear and extended family, higher divorce rates, increased emotional diagnoses for children, and increased stratification of the social and economic orders. Guided by self-interest and greed, rather than compassion and sharing, so society continue to grow wealthier will many others drift down into poverty. Over the past decades, people’s ties to each other have weakened, and more people feel lonely. Violence is increased as have human suffering in environment, destruction. More people these days feel disconnected from others and question whether their lives have meaning. They find security in acquiring material goods, the latest technological tool, the current handbag, the trendiest automobile. Heading to self-interest has not left us individually, or is a society, in an emotionally healthy state.

The antidote to this cultural trend is found at the individual level. When enough people become conscious of how little self-interest provides their lives and then challenges it by adopting a different way of living, it spreads throughout society. Recent research into neurological activity in the brain indicates that we are “hardwired” toward altruism, toward giving to others, compassion, caring, kindness, and sharing. This is the natural human condition. Exploring this part of yourself can bring you back into harmony with your natural state.
Of course, self-interest and altruism are not either/or concepts. We need both. Just as the person guided purely by self-interest loses a great deal in terms of life experiences, the completely altruistic person, constantly serving others, is deprived the experience of exploring aspects of his or her own self-care. The clue is to find a balance between these two extremes. At this cultural juncture, most people would benefit from looking into the altruistic options.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Ghandi

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

The experience of finding the right partner, and “falling in love“ is one of life’s true joys. It brings a feeling of euphoria, passion, connection, and hope for a happy future. It can lead to a lifetime of loving contentment. Of course, sometimes it lapses and becomes one of our memories, sometimes pleasant and sometimes not. The “high” that comes from this feeling of loving passion, at least, for some people is so compelling that they use it to fill gaps in their lives, much as they might use a drug. Being in love, for them, can resemble an addiction.

The source of an addiction is found within the person, not in the substance itself. Some people can use a drug, including alcohol, and not become addicted. Similarly, some people can enjoy the high of being in love as a positive life experience without any indication of addiction. Other people, depending on their needs, their abilities, or their backgrounds, use the euphoric feelings that come from an outside source of gratification (drugs, relationships … or gambling, video games, the list is endless) to create a false sense fulfillment in their lives. They have difficulty looking within to find a way to achieve contentment, so they look outside of themselves for a way to soothe their internal feelings. Everyone does this to a degree. But when it takes on a compulsive quality that inhibits more positive life experiences and leads to negative consequences, it can be called an addiction.

People who use relationships addictively, usually harbor a sense of incompleteness in their lives- emptiness, despair, feeling lost, or sadness. They may lack a feeling of attachment to love that has roots in early childhood. They believe their feelings can be remedied through finding that comforting feeling of euphoria that comes through a love relationship. An addictive relationship has a compulsive quality about it. While, a healthy relationship implies that both partners freely each other, in an addictive relationship there is a compulsive drive that limits this freedom (“I must stay in this relationship, even if it’s bad for me.”) There is also an overwhelming feeling of panic over the thought of losing the relationship, even if there are arguments between the two partners, and both know the relationship should end. If the relationship actually ends, there are pronounced withdrawal symptoms, much like drug, nicotine, or alcohol addicts experience when they go “cold turkey.” They may experience weeping, physical pain, sleep disturbance, depression, irritability, and the feeling that they have no place to turn to now. These feelings are so intense that they might drive the person into another addictive relationship immediately. After this period of turmoil ends, however, the addicted person senses a period of triumph or liberation, and they don’t typically go through the long, slow experience of acceptance and healing that characterizes the ending of a healthier relationship.

A healthy love relationship can be viewed in terms of two independent people who come together and make a commitment to each other. They each have the freedom to live as they choose within the boundaries of the commitment, and they are loved by their partner for showing integrity, and how they live. Their partner encourages them to follow the beat of their own drum. The commitment enhances, each partner’s ability to experience a full life – with love, security, and support.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

The National Sleep Foundation tells us that nearly half of us don’t get enough sleep. In modern-day society, because of night work, television, computers, and the profound stress we experience in everyday life, our sleep is often disrupted. Sleep is a basic biological need, like hunger and thirst. When we don’t get enough of it, our bodies let us know that there are consequences. Sleep is a regular, natural state of rest characterized by a reduction in voluntary body movement and a decreased awareness of the surroundings. Sleep is not a state of falling completely into unconsciousness, but rather an altered state of consciousness that performs a restorative function for the brain and body.

An older view of the function of sleep suggested that sleep is a period of rest from the activity of the day. It occurs at night when we would be safer by staying out of harm’s way. We know now, however, that sleep is much more than just a period of recuperation from the energy expended during the course of the day. A great deal happens during our sleep that is vital to maintaining our health.

When we sleep, the brain produces enzymes that neutralize the damage done to cells by molecules called free radicals (in other words, sleep keeps our bodies younger longer). This is just one of the many processes that happen during our sleep. One recent research study, for example, successfully found that babies learn the placement of their own limbs during their sleep. As their arms and feet twitch during sleep, the brain maps out the positioning of their limbs and forms new neural connections. Adults use the same process to maintain existing connections in their nervous systems. Other research suggests that sleep may contribute to new nerve cells in the brain.

Most people seek a life filled with meaning, contentment, gratification, and pleasure. In moments of reflection, we may ponder what we can do to direct our lives away from anxiety, anger, stress, and depression but toward a state of fulfillment.

Psychotherapy is making strides in devising methods people can use to move to the next step, from unhappiness to true happiness. It shifts the perspective from negative to positive. There is a place for understanding and treating more negative life experiences, but in many cases, the focus should be on the positive.

There are some things we can do about our life circumstances to increase our level of personal happiness. International studies have found that people who are in committed relationships tend to be happier. People who are lucky enough to avoid negative events i.e. divorce, job loss, death of loved one. Those that are religious report higher levels of happiness. If you are blessed to live in a sunny area of the world you tend to be happier.

So, what are some things that you can do to help increase your level of happiness. Understanding that happiness is an internal experience based on staying true to one’s authentic self is a must. First, identify your own personal strengths. Then examine how to incorporate these strengths in your daily life. The truer to your own personal strengths and beliefs the closer you can get to an authentically happy life.

* Excerpts of this blog are from our Emotional Wellness Matters Newsletter.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Grieving comes to most of us at some point in our lives. In fact, statistics show that each person can expect to experience the loss of a loved one once every 9 to 13 years. The resulting sadness may be the most painful of life’s experiences. Because it is painful, however, our eventual adaptation to the loss can bring meaning and integrity to our lives, and this, ultimately, is a gift to us from the one we have lost. It is a reminder to us that the circle is unbroken.

Our ability to adapt to loss is an important feature of the course of our lives. Change can instigate growth. Loss can give rise to gain. If we do not grieve the loss, however, it may drain us of energy and interfere with our living fully in the present. If we are not able to mourn at all, we may spend our lives under the spell of issues and past relationships, living in the past and failing to connect with the experience of the present.

Grieving is a process of experiencing our reactions to loss. It is similar to the term bereavement, which means the state, not the process, of suffering from a loss. Normal grieving is an expected part of the process of recuperating from a loss. The intensity of the process comes as a surprise to most people, and it becomes one of the most significant experiences. People have their own individual responses. People will experience the process in the same way.

The first reaction to the loss of a loved one is usually a sense of disbelief, shock, numbness, and bewilderment. The survivor may experience a period of denial, and which the reality of the loss is put out of mind. This reaction provides the person some time to prepare to deal with the inevitable pain.

All of us grieve in different ways, depending on the circumstance of the death, our own personal characteristics, and the meanings attached to the death by those left behind. Nonetheless, there are some specific actions that most of us can take to complete the process in a way that allows us to move on, eventually, to a whole and meaningful life again.

Allow yourself to grieve and feel the depth of your loss. Grieving is hard. We may feel that we should be strong and hold in our emotions, thoughts, and feelings as the only way to get through a trying time. This approach, however, makes it very difficult to complete the process of grieving. It is important to accept the reality of the loss. The person who died is gone and will not return. This fact must be accepted in order for the grief process to continue. Try to understand why the death occurred and the events that led to the death. Give yourself permission to feel and think about whatever comes up regarding your loss. If happy thoughts and feelings come your way, allow them to happen. Similarly, if dreadful pain, sadness, and anxiety show up, when tears turn to uncontrollable sobs, give into these temporary feelings. Embrace your sadness, know it and make it your own. If it is difficult to open yourself to these feelings, it may help to make a personal commitment to complete the grief process in the near future. Vow to yourself that for your own benefit, for the good of others in your life, and for your future happiness, you need to get through your loss completely and in a healthy way. This means open yourself up to all of the feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative, and let them happen.

Grief is a very personal experience and one of our most painful to endure. It is also a journey into the depths of our lives that can ultimately reveal our strength of character.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

How others treat us greatly influences the way we see ourselves. We all know people who genuinely like themselves and feel content with their lives.

Because they see the positive in themselves, they’re able to understand and appreciate the good of other people. They treat others with a sense of respect, a skill they know well, because this is how they treat themselves. When our feelings about ourselves are positive, we show others that we like and value ourselves, and then others tend to treat us well. But when we have negative feelings about ourselves, so that we are too critical, complaining and pessimistic, others tend to take this attitude towards us as well. How we treat ourselves helps determine how others will treat us.

The thoughts we have about ourselves, or how we define ourselves, contribute to our self-image. The feelings we have about these thoughts, whether these feelings are good or bad, are the building blocks of our self-esteem. Our self-image, and gradually our self-esteem, can be molded by our parents, parents, family, friends, physical, or intellectual abilities, education, and jobs. Just as we have definitions for most things in the world, we also have definitions for ourselves. We come to define ourselves, the way others define us. Thus, if others treat us with love and kindness, as if we are special and unique people, then we will eventually define ourselves in this way as well. On the other hand, if other people treat us as if we are a bother to have around and not worth much, then we will also come to see ourselves in this way.

Some people confuse healthy, positive self-esteem, with audacity or arrogance, a false sense of superiority over other people. True self-esteem, however, means that we do not have to assert ourselves at the expense of other people. Indeed, it is those with negative self-esteem who must resort to the tactic of exaggerating their own self-worth, usually by putting others down. Those are positive self-esteem Emma can acknowledge their own worth and validate the positive qualities of others.

Try these techniques for working on positive thoughts:

1. Write down your negative thoughts. This increases your awareness of them, and you can discover patterns in your negative thinking. You may also be able to see what triggers negativity.
2. Limit negative thinking. Whenever you find yourself having negative thoughts, tell yourself, stop! This, privately to yourself, or perhaps, out loud, or give yourself a little tap on the wrist as a reminder.
3. Replace the negative with a positive thought and do this immediately after stopping the negative thought. It may take some creativity and effort to learn how to change negative thoughts to positive ones.

 

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Ask people what they fear the most and many of them will answer, speaking in public. In surveys that ask people about their fears, about one person in five reports, an extreme fear of public speaking. Shyness and other forms of social anxiety are common, and they prevent people from fully experiencing life.

Shyness refers to the tendency to withdraw from people, particularly people who are unfamiliar. Everyone has some degree of shyness, in fact, a person without any shyness at all is probably one who does not make good judgments about maintaining appropriate boundaries between people. A bit of shyness is a good thing. But when a high level of shyness prevents a person from engaging in normal, social interactions, from functioning, while at work, or from developing intimate relationships, it presents a problem, which, fortunately, can be alleviated.

Shyness is one form of the broader term, social anxiety. This concept, also known as social phobia, refers to a special kind of anxiety that people feel when they are around other people. It is associated with concerns about being scrutinized. Shyness and social anxiety are closely related, but social anxiety includes other situations, such as speaking in public, taking tests, sports performance, and dating. Closely related to the concepts of shyness and social anxiety are embarrassment and shame. Embarrassment is what a person feels when something unexpected happens and drives unwanted attention (such as knocking over a glass of water in a restaurant). This creates a temporary feeling of discomfort. Shame on the other hand is longer lasting. Shame is a feeling that comes from being disappointed in oneself.

Who are the people most likely to suffer from social anxiety? Parents recognize some children are easily frightened from birth on and cry. A great deal, well, others seem more resilient by temperament, they seldom cry, hardly ever get upset, and are less easily frightened. Children love to explore the world around them. Others are cautious and don’t tolerate change well. Children who are inhibited are more likely to have a parent with social anxiety disorder. An anxious person is more likely to have a parent or sibling who suffers from depression. Many people with social anxiety disorder report having one or both parents who have a substance abuse problem, such as drinking, or come from a family and which:

1. There is substantial conflict between the adults,
2. Parents are overly critical of the children, or things are never good enough,
3. There is excessive concern about what other people think.

National surveys find that about 5% of children and adolescents suffer from social anxiety disorder. Children with an anxiety problem seldom report that they are feeling anxious. Instead, they report the presence of physical symptoms, which include headaches, stomachaches, nausea, rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, blushing, dizziness, And shortness of breath. They try to avoid the following situations: speaking in class, taking test, reading aloud, writing on the board, inviting friends, over to play, eating in front of others, going to parties, and playing sports. Children and adolescence with social anxiety disorder may go onto develop other related problems, such as loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem. Although some children overcome their shyness in time, as interactions with others, caused their fear to dissipate, others will experience worsening of symptoms. If a child shows symptoms by the age of six that have not improved by the age of 10, it is probably time to seek professional intervention.

The single most important strategy for overcoming social anxiety is to face your fear. Get back on the horse again. Take the car out for a drive once more. Go swimming again. Get back on an airplane. Give another speech before an audience. Go to another dinner party. Ask somebody else to go out on a date. Managing your physical symptoms and changing your thinking do little good unless you come to terms with your fears by getting back into anxiety provoking situation doing this takes courage. Avoiding it perpetuates the problem.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

The disabled often say that those who are able-bodied, or just temporarily, so, that most of us, at some point in our lives will suffer from physical disability. Many of us believe in the old adage, stating that if you’ve got your health, you’ve got everything. However, unexpected health changes can happen to any of us. Even without the health we may have formerly enjoyed our lives can continue to be rich and full – although perhaps different.

Our lifespans have increased enormously over the past century. Many of us live into our seventies, eighties, nineties, or longer. However, the rise in expected longevity brings with it the increased probability that we will suffer from one or more physical diseases during our lifetimes. The incident of heart disease, stroke, and cancer is high in Western societies. There is currently a diabetes epidemic that is associated with obesity due to diet and lack of exercise. Adults are more prone to developing diabetes, but an alarming number of children now experience type II diabetes. Many people develop immune deficiency diseases such as lupus. These diseases are often an outcome of lifestyle choices. Given the length of our lifespans, there’s a high probability that a health crisis will come into our lives at some point.

A chronic illness is one that persists over time without an easily definable beginning, middle and end. While the suffering that accompanies a chronic illness can usually be alleviated to some extent, the illness itself is usually not curable. Our society, and the medical establishment in particular, feels more comfortable in dealing with acute illnesses, those illnesses that can be treated and cured. This is easy to understand if we consider that society tends to value achievement, and action. We prefer to deal with diseases that have a distinct cause, treat them with medication, or other interventions, and then wait for the healing to begin. Chronic illnesses are not amenable to such quick fixes. They are conditions that we have to learn to live with. Lacking social support, the task of adapting to a chronic illness can be a major challenge.

Living with a chronic illness brings many issues to the fore. One of the primary experiences of those with chronic illness is the challenge of realizing that their lives have changed, often permanently. Not only do they have to deal with the many changes that the illness will bring to their lifestyle and future plans, but they have to deal with the difficulty. The illness presents to their loved ones, friends, and work associates. Other people fail to understand the disease, and suddenly treat the sufferer in a different way. Often through avoidance or superficial and uncomfortable support. The person with a chronic illness is sometimes seen as failing to contribute his or her fair share and work setting. The disruption to families can cause severe conflict because it upsets the normal balance and family dynamics.

If someone goes to the many phases of a chronic illness, they eventually end up in the final phase, the integration phase. The final phase is the culmination of the struggle that your chronic illness is brought into your life. You understand what you have been through and how you have grown from the experience. You know, now that you are a much wiser and more able person than you were before your illness. You understand that you may backslide, especially when the symptoms flare up again, but you have the tools now to get yourself back on course again. You have integrated your pre-crisis self into your current sense of self so that your life can be seen as a whole, And from that, you have a good sense of what your life means.

Did you know when the chronic illness began that you presented with a gift, a gift that could make your life enormously rich.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

One key to an emotionally healthy life is having the backing of a strong, supportive family. A strong family may be as small as two people, or as large as a kinship network of grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. The size of the family, indeed the composition of the family, does not matter as much as the feeling of belonging and the sense of sustenance that emerges from living with stable, familial support. People seem to do better in life when they have the feeling of belonging to something larger, and stronger, than they are individually. A familial network diminishes the uncertainties that derive from the stresses of everyday living.

The family has undergone many changes over recent decades, due mainly to major, social and cultural upheavals. When life was mainly agriculturally based or when immigrants came to the new land, the traditional family was able to thrive. We looked to our kin for support, and they were there for us. The decades since the middle of the 20th century have seen a steady unraveling of this bygone ideal. It is difficult to describe precisely what caused this change. It may have been such factors as government programs (the government, rather than children, would take care of people when they grew old) or automobile and modern roads (people were no longer confined to one location any longer, family members can move away). Or was it television? Computers and electronic data transmission? Improved communication technology? The high divorce rates? What we do know is that families find it more difficult due to competing demands from the larger world, to spend time together, to feel committed to each other, to communicate with each other, to share spiritual values, to cope with crisis together. Some families, however, seem to have overcome these threats to a strong and thriving fam life.

Here are some qualities shared by strong families –

A sense of commitment to the family

A commitment is a pledge or promise applied to family life, it is a sense of responsibility or duty to the family that overrides temporary conflicts or times of crisis. Members of strong families take their familial commitment seriously. It is conscious, unwavering, and unconditional.

Showing appreciation and self-esteem

Healthy families share in common the ability to show appreciation to each other. By showing appreciation, we are essentially saying that the other person is worthy and has dignity. We declare that we can see the positive qualities of the other person. This message is crucial to emotional wellness because it is a core building block of self-esteem. Thus, strong families help build healthy personalities.

Sharing positive communication

One research study has shown that the average couple spent 17 minutes per week in conversation. In contrast, strong families spend a great deal of time talking with one another, ranging from trivial matters to important issues. Communication helps us to feel connected and because members of strong families feel free to exchange information and ideas, they become good problems solvers. Some families set aside time for family council meetings, and others do their talking over the dinner table each night.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

 

The atmosphere of the workplace has changed dramatically in recent times. Ever since the exploitative practices of the industrial revolution were removed through legislation, work has been defined as a place where a person could find fulfillment through a job which was rewarding and paid a fair wage. But this definition has reverted in recent years to one in which the needs of the employee have become less important. Finding personal fulfillment through work has become more of a challenge. Progressive occupational stress, leading to job burnout, has become a painful reality for many people. This is especially true during times of high unemployment, when the workers who are still employed are expected to carry the load of those who are no longer with the company.

 

The incidence of job burnout has become increasingly widespread as

• Corporations merge in the interest of the stockholders come to predominant, business policies.
• Jobs are eliminated or combined, because of technological innovations.
• More production moves overseas where labor costs are cheaper.
• Downsizing has become more frequent (where the worker is expected to do more work for less money).
• Layoffs occur with alarming frequency.

Many people are working longer hours and taking on more responsibilities, just to “stay in place.” Where one income used to support a family, now it usually takes two, and this has a major impact on the dynamics of raising the family. As a result of these changes in the workplace, stress has increased dramatically for some workers. Job stress is a result of overload on our senses and in our ability to complete tasks. We are presented with more demands, information, stimuli, and intensity than we can take in and process. The end result of prolonged exposure to stress is job burnout. We progressively shut down under the demands placed on us from the outside world. When we have difficulty in setting priorities, and putting ourselves into balance, we are more prone to suffer from burnout. We feel that we cannot keep up with everything we have to do. Not only is our work intense, but we also have demands to participate in family life, keep up with friends, and complete our normal chores of everyday living. We feel a decreased ability to set limits on various demands. We then begin to feel a vague sense of just not caring so much about work, or maybe anything, anymore. We feel overwhelmed then we retreat.

 

Burnout prevention

 

Burnout is not an all or nothing condition. Rather, think of it as a progressive wearing down, ranging from normal feelings of getting a little tired of your job, to a state of complete exhaustion. Most workers suffer from some of the symptoms of job stress, if not burnout, from time to time. With careful examination of what is contributing to our stress in attending to our needs for well-being, we can usually halt the wear down and revive our enthusiasm for work. Frequently we must take an in-depth look at how we work, and live, in order to turn our stress into an opportunity for personal growth.