*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

We all have our own unique ways of feeling and thinking and expressing ourselves. Most of the time, our uniqueness is seen as an individual difference, or something special about each of us. In fact, this is what brings interest and variety to the people in our lives. This is a positive thing. One of the healthiest things we can do is to achieve a fairly objective understanding of just how we are unique or different from other people. Then we can understand how our behavior impacts other people and adjust the way we act accordingly. That is, we can problem solve our way through situations when we have a good understanding of our unique personality characteristics. We are talking here about personality style, and all of us have our own styles.

Some of us though have personalities that vary significantly from the expectations found within the culture. This can involve patterns of feeling, thinking, impulse control, and interpersonal functioning that cause direct distress, sometimes to the person, but especially to those around the person. If the pattern is enduring and pervasive (meaning it persists over time and can be found across a broad range of situations), then it might meet the criteria for a personality disorder. One of the features of a personality disorder is that the person may not realize how their behavior affects others, and that’s why it continues over time and with variety of different people. So, a person with a personality disorder may have difficulty with problem-solving, which impairs their ability to adapt to life‘s challenges. People with personality disorders don’t feel distressed about their personality traits, but may suffer from the way others react to them. Personality disorders seem to begin fairly early in life, and unless changes are made, they may continue on through the person’s adulthood. It is important to realize that the behavior of those with personality disorders may have served a positive function at one point in the person’s life, but now those behaviors are an ingrained part of the personality (although they no longer serve the person well). They actually work against the person’s ability to adapt.

Professional therapists help to address a number of problems in everyday living, such as mood and thinking disorders, anxiety, impulse control, problems, or addictive behavior. Personality disorders fall into their own category, however. That is, personality disorders may, or may not, be related to those more traditional areas of treatment. For example, a person suffering from depression may, or may not, also have a personality disorder. Fortunately, there is help for people suffering from personality disorders, as well as their families, work colleagues, and close friends. In most cases people who suffer from a personality disorder can learn to make changes in the behavior that causes distress. It’s not really feasible to say that therapist can “cure“ a personality disorder, but they can have the person learn to manage life’s details and responsibilities better.

A trained professional therapist is able to provide a setting in which seemingly intractable problems can be addressed. A feeling of safety is built between a therapist and a client, and that’s opened the door to try new behaviors with support which have seemed impossible until now. A whole new world awaits those who give it a try.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Birth order affects our behavior and relationships.

If brothers and sisters are raised by the same parents, how do they end up so different? How is it that one sibling grows up to be successful, academically and professionally but with few friends, while another becomes the athlete with loads of friends? To the degree that one of the siblings is a responsible person, another will be attention seeking or rebellious. One follows the ways of the parents, and another looks outside the family for support. The strategies we learned in childhood for dealing with her parents and siblings have a long lasting influence on her behavior, afternoon ways, we barely recognize.

The world of the firstborn child differs markedly from that of the second born, and if the third comes along, he, or she will carve out territory within the family system. The difference from the first two. This is not to say that these patterns are carved in stone, there are always exceptions to the rules, and if the third child comes along much later, the last form may have characteristics resembling the first born. The gender of the children and physical differences can also make for deviations from the general patterns, as well as the birth order of the parents and the nature of the relationship between the parents. And, of course, two families who come together through the remarriage of the parents (the blended family) can create all sorts of interesting combinations. Researchers have been interested in birth order for nearly a century now, but learned only within the past few decades about the influence of birth order, and our behavior, and the nature of relationships with our partners. Consider two parents, possibly newly married, who have their first child. Determined to be the best parents in the world, they dote on the child, give the child an abundance of attention, and try to show just how responsible they are. They want to be perfect parents, they want the child to be perfect, and it’s a lesson. The child learns well. Firstborns often grow up with perfectionistic tendencies, and they strive for approval and success in the adult world. The second child usually doesn’t get nearly the attention received by the older sibling, and deviating from the pattern already established by the first born, the second child will often go outside of the family constellation as they grow up. The support of their friends becomes more important than the approval of the parents. By the time the last born child comes along, the parents have loosened up considerably in their child rearing practices and tend to indulge this child, so the baby in the family, having learned of his or her special status, may grow up to be attention seeking, perhaps manipulative, people oriented, and a charmer.

Birth order has a significant influence on our behavior in adulthood. The tactics we developed in childhood to deal with other members of the family remain with us and can cause conflict in our relations with other people later in life. Others may appear ambitious, selfish, withdrawn, irresponsible, or opinionated, and we may wonder why others would even see these attributes as a problem! One of the major goals of therapy is to understand how our development has affected our personalities as adults and see how these influences have slanted our ways of dealing with other people. Despite the heavy impact birth order has on us, we can learn to change some of these behaviors, and if change is not indicated, at least to use our special attributes to their best advantage. The first step in this process is awareness, this leads to understanding, which in turn can lead to intentional change.

How does this all affect our choice of a partner? The best bet when deciding on a partner is to choose someone with a birth order unlike our own, so that we can benefit from the strength of someone who has learned a different set of strategies for dealing with life.

So, which birth order makes the ideal partner? It depends on you. There are no hard and fast rules. Some people say their firstborn with the last one provides for a good mixture of responsibility and playfulness. Others say the first or only born with a few friends can benefit from a relationship with a socially oriented, middle child. Tempered with a good dose of common sense, the answer lives in your heart.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Some people just can’t admit that they’re angry. Anger is one of the basic emotions which touches all of our lives to one degree or another. Indeed, a person who is incapable of experiencing anger, would certainly be at a disadvantage in trying to survive. Used constructively, anger helps to protect ourselves. It motivates us to solve problems and to resolve conflicts with other people. Anger is an emotion that tells us there’s something wrong out there and we want to make it better.

Anger can serve a positive function in our lives, but so many of us have heard just the opposite message. How many times have we heard don’t be angry or good people don’t get angry or healthy people don’t show their anger or love and anger are opposite emotions. Then there is the classic line: If you loved me, you wouldn’t be angry at me. None of these statements is compatible with emotional health. The clue is to accept your anger and learn how to express it constructively.

Passive aggression is certainly aggressive behavior, and it is laden with anger. It is a form of hostility, disguised as innocent impassivity. This type of hostility is found frequently in relationships, especially troubled relationships, because the passive aggressive individual finds a convenient and available target for his or her anger in a partner. Even though passive aggression is expressed most frequently and virulently in a relationship, this form of aggression is also seen in interactions between friends or on the job. The passive aggressive person usually will claim not to have any anger at all. But when anger is finally brought to the surface, it is usually blamed on the partner, (or a friend or a boss) who is accused of being controlling and demanding. Rather than acknowledging his or her behavior as angry, the passive aggressive individual plays on the excuse of being the misunderstood victim. The other person is always the prosecutor. Communication between partners in a passive aggressive relationship is usually blocked off, distorted, and ultimately very destructive to both people individually in the relationship itself.

Passive aggressive relationships are difficult to deal with, but help is available and change as possible. When you start to make the necessary changes in your relationship, the passive aggressive partner may fight you even more. But if you set firm limits and respect yourself, the situation is likely to change for the better. There may not be a complete transformation, but your relationship can be much better. You’re invited to make an appointment to start this process.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Violence in children is a complicated issue with many causes. It is easy to point fingers at some of the more obvious potential culprits. For example, television provides a steady diet of violence. It is estimated that by the time children turn 18, they’ve been exposed to 40,000 deaths on TV, usually with no mention of the grieving that families, or when a loved one has died. Similarly, rock music, and rap music most of all often contains lyrics, explicitly, promulgating killing, and other violence. Video games seem to go a step further, they not only are violent, but the player of the game is also the shooter. Movies glorify violent deaths and revenge. The Internet is filled with websites catering violent themes, and even sites that tell a viewer how to make bombs. Guns are easy to get and have become a symbol of rebellion and power among some youth. Schools have become segregated with cliques who intimidate each other, the jock versus the goths, for example, sometimes in brutal ways. Bullies make some children afraid to go to school.

The solutions to the problem of violence and children are not clear, but we know that there is a problem when children start killing other children in their schools. It seems that there is little that one individual can do to turn the largest social tides that underlie this problem. We can, however, take steps within our own homes to reduce the probability of raising children who turn to to violent behavior.

Research studies have shown that aggressive behavior is learned early in life. Parents, family members, and others can take steps to reduce or minimize violence by raising children in a safe, loving and trusting home. We all make mistakes in our lives, and this may seem especially true when it comes to raising children, but trying to do your best can have a great impact on the lives of children. Behavior problems and delinquency are less likely to develop in children, especially at an early age, when they have a parent or other adult who is involved in their lives. Every child needs a consistent, strong, and loving relationship with an adult to develop a sense of trust and feel safe. Without this bond, a child may grow up to become difficult to manage, hostile, and distrustful. It is often a challenge to show love to a child on a consistent basis. If you feel unable to do this, it is helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist who can help you and discover the reasons for this difficulty as well as encourage you in a safe and supportive environment. Children have minds of their own, as they become more independent, they may behave in ways with anger and frustrate you. You need patience and a commitment to see things through their eyes in order to deal with your own feelings. Try not to respond to your child with hostile words and actions. This approach only serves to teach the child that aggressive behavior is a way to deal with emotions.

Children need to be taught that they can stand up to violence. They can learn that it takes more courage to resist violence then to give in to it. They should learn that name calling, bullying and threats can set the scene for violent outcomes, but they can stand up to this in a firm and calm way if it happens to them.

Although we do not have control over all the causes of violence with children, we can at least take steps to help our kids grow up with a sense of love and safety, as well as teach the skills to know how to resist violence in their lives. The rewards of affective parenting are enormous. If your household is characterized by violence, or if your child seems prone to excessive anger or violent behavior, realize that there is effective help through therapy. Our children are our legacy and the future. They deserve love and wisdom that we can pass on to them.

 

*Truth in our relationships is a newsletter that only offers information and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. – Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Introduction

Telling the Truth is always vital to our relationships. When we commit ourselves to a relationship with another person, we rightly expect to experience a sense of fulfillment that we didn’t have before. Humans, as social beings, seem to have a universal desire to find a partner. Sexual attraction often serves as the motivator for making initial contact with the other person. This is usually replaced over time with a more profound sense of commitment and intimacy.

It is a terrible disappointment to some people when the sexual phase of the relationship fails to lead to something deeper. The task is to understand the forces that block the development of a deeper sense of intimacy and do something about it. Fortunately, with some work, couples can learn to move into deeper sharing and more fulfillment in their relationships.

The Emotional Roller Coaster of Being in Love

The excitement of entering a new relationship touches us at the core of our being. In some sense, it influences our thinking, emotions, and physical bodies. It feels like a dream come true. Finally, the hard years of experiencing the world alone have ended, and the thing we have longed for has been achieved.

We now have a partner who can share, understand, and appreciate our most private experiences. The world suddenly seems like a happier and more secure place. The beginning stages of a relationship can bring a sense of connectedness. Still, when that phone call doesn’t come, when a plan goes awry, when the wrong words are spoken, the emotional high can turn swiftly into a feeling of devastation. Being in love can have its downside.

When Truth becomes vital in a Relationship

Over time the physical stage of the relationship is typically replaced by a period of getting to know more about other aspects of our partner’s personality. Some of these characteristics are endearing to us, and others irritate us. We learn how our partner attends to the demands of everyday life. We know that they might not do things the way we do them. Our partner may take a more aggressive approach than we do. Or we may find that our partner takes on issues by mulling them back-and-forth, before coming to a decision, which may create anxiety in us.

Our partner’s loyalty to the relationship may differ from our own. These differences may seem catastrophic during this phase of the relationship. And at this stage, rather than looking within to adjust to our partner’s quirks, we may try to force our partners to change their behavior. Power and domination may enter the relationship’s dynamics, negatively impacting intimacy. At this stage, genuine communication becomes essential to the continued success of the relationship.

Guidelines for Telling the Truth in Our Relationships

Communication is at the center of relationships, and the quality of a relationship depends on the quality of the contact between the two partners. The most treasured times in a relationship are when we tap into our partner’s authenticity with heartfelt communications and talk truthfully.

Truth is complicated, and many of us engage in a bit of self-deception. There are things about ourselves that we may not have been able to examine or accept; we have difficulty admitting our flaws, even to ourselves, much more so to our partners. Here are some guidelines for telling the Truth:

Understand what you intend to do when communicating: This requires an honest look at your motivations. If you want to create healing, clarity, or a more profound sense of intimacy within the relationship, your intention will probably lead to those results. If, on the other hand, you want to make yourself look good or intend to hurt your partner, then distrust will result from the communication.

The Takeaway is…

Communication on an honest and truthful level makes you vulnerable. You may fear getting hurt or hurting your partner’s feelings. Or you may feel that you will be misunderstood or that your partner will judge you negatively. Our fears are based on past experiences that reside within us and are often unrealistic. The higher goal is to communicate truthfully with your partner to have a more satisfying relationship, which means having the courage to confront your fears. Learn more about building a well-minded relationship at Eunoia.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

“If I win, you lose” is not the only option open to us.

Control, like most facets of human behavior, is probably best experienced in moderation. At one end of the spectrum, control is a positive, adaptive tool. For example, control over prolonged and constant chaos in our lives is usually a good thing. At the other end, control can be seen as negative. People who are over-controlled to the point of being unable to feel or express emotions can find life’s expected turmoils to be difficult or even impossible to handle.

While some control is appropriate, especially when the control is used as a way of adapting to some aspect of our own lives, it can spread out to other people when it’s taken to the extreme… and sometimes we don’t realize that we end up controlling other people. We sometimes walk a thin line in this regard. Controlling others has the potential to be a highly negative experience, not only for the one controlled, but also for the controller

On the surface, we might think of a controlling person as one who is strong, independent, and even a natural born leader. But this is seldom the case. Ask yourself, why would a person need to dominate the actions and feelings of another person? It could be because the controlling person may privately experience a great deal of self-doubt, negativity, and lack of fulfillment. Controllers may be people who lack the tools to achieve personal integrity through their own resources… but they get a feeling of fulfillment when they can control the behavior of another person. With this thought in mind, we can see the controlling person as one who may be the weak and dependent party in an interaction. And it may be the one who is controlled who actually has more strength- that is, it takes strength to give in to the needs of another person (the controller).

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

It’s a good thing that almost all of us worry. Think of worry as a built-in alarm device. When it is used wisely, it alerts us to danger and prompts us to navigate our way through a maze of solutions to life’s various problems. We need to think through our options when we are faced with problems, weighing the benefits and pitfalls of each alternative, and then come up with the best solution. From there we take action which, we hope, solves the problem. Worry is helpful when it is used at the right time and at the right level for resolving our difficulties. Like many things in life, however, too little worry, or too much of it, can be harmful.

Too little worry can result in impulsive decisions which may result in unfortunate consequences. Indeed, some people are high risk takers who may not worry enough about problems- they may win, but just as often, they lose. Others avoid worry through substance abuse or other addictive behaviors and then lack the motivation and insight to deal realistically with life’s expected problems. Similarly, a laid-back, come-what-may approach, while it has some merits, sometimes suggests passivity and a lack of ability to participate in the complexity of life’s experiences.

As we all know, some people worry too much. Rather than solving a problem too much worry becomes the problem. Not only does excessive worry create personal suffering, but it also affects the people around the worrier. Worry is a fairly common, but potentially serious, condition. A recent survey suggests that one-third of all office visits to primary-care physicians are associated with some form of anxiety. Furthermore, it has been estimated that one-fourth of all people, over the course of a lifetime, will at some point suffer from symptoms associated with an anxiety-related diagnosis. The stress which accompanies worry can have serious physical implications, including an increase risk for blood pressure and heart ailments, immune system deficiencies, and cancer.

There are many practical methods for dealing with excessive worry, a few of which are finding connectedness, seeking advice and reassurance, and understanding the difference between good worry and unproductive and unproductive worry.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Good friendships depend less on who they are than on how they make us feel

Since 1985 the number of people who say they have no one to talk to has doubled. The lack of social contacts and social supports, despite our technological advances over the past decades, is one of the downsides to the huge transformations that have taken place in our society. Despite the advent of email and mobile phones, people today have fewer meaningful social contacts than they had in the past. We have traded our face-to-face contacts for technological forms of communication. We tend to drive alone, work alone, eat alone, and love along more than we did in the past years. Our public presentation may reflect less about who we are on the inside than on our ability to conform to the latest look that we pick up from the all-pervasive media. We go to the gym and work out alone to the beats stored in our devices. We go for coffee and immerse ourselves in our laptops. And we don’t talk to strangers, who may, as many believe, pose a danger to us. Yes, we’ve changed. Friendships are harder to come by. It is more difficult these days to get to know who another person really is- or for them to get to know who we are.

Research studies have shown repeatedly that friendship and social support systems have many psychological benefits. Social support cuts off the dysfunctional cycle of stress, which produces physiological responses such as increased heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure. Just having another person nearby will reduce stress when people perform difficult tasks. And it also takes a load off when you need help in doing some of your tasks of the day- certainly a stress reducer.

Spending time with a good, supportive friend will calm us and uplift our mood. We feel better when we talk things through with a trusted friend. When we hear ourselves talk, we can often get to the root of what is bothering us without the listener’s having to say a word. Social support validates us. We don’t feel so alone when there is a trusted friend nearby to say that the same things have happened to them- or merely says, “I understand.” Social connections help us to feel that we’re part of a larger whole. When we have a supportive social network, we can face life’s everyday problems with the feeling that we have the backing of others who care about us.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

“What disturbs people’s minds is not events, but their judgments on events.” -Epictetus

In China, parents once bound the feet of their daughters in pursuit of beauty. In parts of Africa, both men and women elongate their earlobes and decorate their skin with minerals to look attractive, and this trend may be found in the United States now. At one time in society, we found plump, rotund people to be the epitome of beauty. Old movies show us that the Tarzans and Supermen of past decades would hardly pass muster in today’s gyms. Today we define beauty as a thin, youthful, and muscular look. Today we go under the knife and on extreme diets to achieve a socially acceptable appearance- not to mention tattoos and body piercings- all practices that are similar to the early Chinese customs of binding feet. Strong social standards dictate, especially through the media, how we should look- and if our own bodies deviate from these expectations, which is the case for almost all of us, we feel inferior and ashamed. We hide. We cover up. We don’t like an important part of ourselves. We feel depressed. We feel anxious in front of other people. We feel powerless- and we are apologetic when we show the world who we are.

Body image refers to your personal relationship with your body. This includes all of the beliefs, attitudes, thoughts, feelings, and perceptions you have about your body. It does not refer to what your body actually looks like. Our body is one of many aspects of who we are, but for many of us it is the dominating source of our sense of self. If we compare ourselves to what we are supposed to look like, we come up short and this brings up negative feelings about who we are. We forget that our inner or essential self has many wonderful attributes. We do not have to harbor negative feelings about ourselves because our external appearance may not conform to current social norms. We may be a few pounds overweight, but that does not mean that people are going to reject us if we show our special inner qualities to other people- like our warmth, our caring, our social skills, and our intelligence. These latter qualities are what matter most in our relationships with others.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships, whether between romantic partners, friends, parents, children, employers, coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person to manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to control our feelings, motives, and even our thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means. A manipulative relationship is one-sided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being manipulated. These relationships become troubled over time. If you want to change this kind of relationship, you must first recognize the features of manipulation and then look within to understand your contribution to the manipulation. There are effective ways to stand up to manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship.

Manipulation is not the same as influence.
We all use influence with other people to advance our goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the right and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under the façade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good interpersonal relationships.

Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is liley to be receptive to the attempted manipulation. Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it’s the manipulator who has the problem, you might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and then take steps to correct it.