*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Almost everyone has been afflicted by procrastination at one time or another, that nagging menace that compels us to put things off for another day, another time. For some people it is a persistent problem, and for others it appears in only some areas of their lives. The result, though, is the same for everyone, increasing anxiety, wasting time, poor performance, missed opportunities, guilt, excusing ourselves, and avoiding people who depend on us. There are better ways of dealing with the demands of our everyday lives. Procrastination is not a trivial problem; it causes suffering for many people.

Who is likely to procrastinate? There’s no research evidence that gender and intelligence have anything to do with a tendency to procrastinate. Age may have something to do with it. One research finds that procrastination peaks in the middle to late 20s, decreases for the next 40 years, and then increases again in the 60s. Other research finds that people who feel overwhelmed and cannot readily calm down tend to put tasks off. There is a relationship between anxiety and procrastination. It is no surprise that people who fear failure have this problem, as well as people with low self-esteem. People with poor tolerance for frustration, difficulty in delaying gratification, or people who cannot concentrate often find it difficult to stick with a task until it is completed. Research also shows that those who have conflicts with authority figures and are rebellious have a proclivity for procrastination. People with depression, who may have low energy and hold negative thoughts about their ability to get things done, frequently have problems with procrastination. And then there is the perfectionist. Those perfectionists who set their own standards seem to have no problem with “sloth,“ but those who have adopted the standard set by others do have trouble completing their work. This is because they are sensitive to the evaluations they might receive from others; they want to avoid social disapproval.

Procrastination is a serious problem for many people. It can undermine our sense of well-being and prevent us from experiencing the full potential of our lives. A portion of our time is spent pleasurably, and a portion is spent on tasks we may not particularly enjoy. Such is the nature of life. To avoid the disagreeable is, unfortunately, to compromise the pleasurable. The person who is emotionally healthy is one who is familiar with and can tolerate the ups and downs and highs and lows, the light and the dark. Living completely entails embracing our responsibilities, relishing our pleasures, and appreciating our time.

A few tips to overcome procrastination:

Make up a to do list. Write out a list of things you need to do this week, or day, or month, and then cross them off, one by one, when they are done. With this list, you can see exactly what needs to be accomplished, and you can get a feeling of fulfillment as a list gets whittled down. 

Set priorities. On your to do list, rank the jobs that need to be done in order of their importance. Then focus only on one job at a time. 

Celebrate the completion of your task. Have a specific reward in mind for when your project is finished. Go out for dinner. Go to a movie. Take a weekend trip. Have a party. The celebration should be equal to your task.

Look at all you have accomplished. Rather than punishing yourself for not having done enough, take the more positive approach of examining all that you have done. Is the glass half empty or half full? 

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Many people search for that special intimacy in their relationship. Some of us search our entire lives for a feeling of oneness with another person. It’s hard to describe, really, what we search for, but we know it when we finally achieve it. Maybe we’re tired of that dark feeling of being ultimately alone as we struggle through life. If only there was someone else here, we say to ourselves, who could understand and share these burdens. Then it wouldn’t be so lonely. It wouldn’t be so hard. Or perhaps, in our more positive moments, we want to share, not just the burdens, but our pleasures too, our strength and beauty. We want the powerful impact of our internal experience to have an impression on someone else, as if to say that we count, we are whole, and we want to impart this feeling to another person.

Humans are social beings. Is that why we search for intimacy with others? Is a quest for intimacy the reason we commit ourselves to another person in marriage or some other public declaration of loyalty? In trying to find intimacy are we simply searching again for the ultimate feeling of bonding that we felt toward a parent during our infancy? The search for intimacy may be one reason we formed social groups, and it may explain why we request for spiritual fulfillment in our lives. 

Many people in contemporary society feel lonely. For all the benefits we derive from living in a highly technological world, seemingly instant and complete communication with others, we still may find it difficult to discover ways to form intimate relationships. In fact, our high-tech society seems to fragment our social connections, to drive us away from other people. For example, email seems to make connecting with other people much easier, but in truth or messages are usually just flashes of ideas, briefly written, briefly read, and instantaneously deleted, and they barely fulfill our desire for more complete relationships based on our inner experiences. In our modern society, we lack ways to see, hear, or touch other people, not in person, and not to the extent that humans have in the past. What our high-tech world has brought us is an abundance of stress. And stress and intimacy are hardly compatible bed fellows.

To form an intimate connection with another person requires first we have access to our own personal emotions and ideas. We cannot expect to be intimate with another when we are out of touch with our own internal experiences. Our intimate experiences may involve our emotional, cognitive, social, physical, sexual, and spiritual lives. Two people, each of whom is in touch with his or her own internal experiences, may be able to share an intimate relationship on any one of these levels. True intimacy is one of the ultimate expressions of the human experience. And that may be why we strive so hard to find it.

We must explore and become familiar with our own personal thoughts and feelings before we can share them with someone else. 

 

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Most people seek a life filled with meaning, contentment, gratification, and pleasure. In moments of reflection, we may wonder what we can do to direct our lives not only away from anxiety, anger, stress and depression- but toward a state of personal fulfillment. We may realize that the typical markers of achievement in our society- a graduation, a marriage, a job promotion, the completion of a project, buying a home- don’t always bring us the happiness that we expected, and often they increase our stress levels.

Despite the fact that we are affluent by world standards, able to drive nice cars, live in large, clean houses, and have access to entertainment media, we are subjected to high levels of stress. As a result, many of us carry with us a pervasive feeling of discontent. We pursue the next highest goal in our lives, only to find that achieving that goal does not bring the feeling of true happiness that we long for. Most of us live better than royalty did in the past, but these high standards of living have not brought us a sense of true contentment. A survey of people in nations around the globe learned that the highest levels of personal happiness were found in Nigeria, followed by Mexico. The United States came in at number 16, while Canada and most of Western Europe also scored at similar levels.

Psychotherapy has made great strides over the past half century in understanding various forms of mental illness. We can now classify these conditions and make appropriate interventions to alleviate them though specific forms of psychotherapy and sometimes medication. Less research has been done, however in finding ways to understand how we can achieve a life filled with meaning and contentment.

We have a host of methods for treating some of the conditions associated with unhappiness- stress, anxiety, depression, anger, lack of engagement, substance abuse, poor interpersonal relationships, cognitive and emotional impairments. Now, however, psychotherapy is making similar strides in devising methods people can use to move to the next step, from unhappiness to true happiness.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

To few of us are in touch with a lifestyle choice that can bring us a wealth of happiness, integrity, and wellness. Altruism, or giving to others, has grown out of favor over the past several decades, but has been a feature of human interaction throughout history. Indeed, a history of cooperation and giving has always been a hallmark of what binds a group or even a society together. Two people sharing the resources can produce more than two individuals acting alone in most circumstances.

Many people take the attitude, why should they give anything to another person or organization? Over the past several decades our culture has seen his shift away from giving toward a focus on self-interest. This shift coincides with a weakening of our sense of community, the breakdown of the nuclear and extended family, higher divorce rates, increased emotional diagnoses for children, and increased stratification of the social and economic orders. Guided by self-interest and greed, rather than compassion and sharing, so society continue to grow wealthier will many others drift down into poverty. Over the past decades, people’s ties to each other have weakened, and more people feel lonely. Violence is increased as have human suffering in environment, destruction. More people these days feel disconnected from others and question whether their lives have meaning. They find security in acquiring material goods, the latest technological tool, the current handbag, the trendiest automobile. Heading to self-interest has not left us individually, or is a society, in an emotionally healthy state.

The antidote to this cultural trend is found at the individual level. When enough people become conscious of how little self-interest provides their lives and then challenges it by adopting a different way of living, it spreads throughout society. Recent research into neurological activity in the brain indicates that we are “hardwired” toward altruism, toward giving to others, compassion, caring, kindness, and sharing. This is the natural human condition. Exploring this part of yourself can bring you back into harmony with your natural state.
Of course, self-interest and altruism are not either/or concepts. We need both. Just as the person guided purely by self-interest loses a great deal in terms of life experiences, the completely altruistic person, constantly serving others, is deprived the experience of exploring aspects of his or her own self-care. The clue is to find a balance between these two extremes. At this cultural juncture, most people would benefit from looking into the altruistic options.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” Ghandi

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

The experience of finding the right partner, and “falling in love“ is one of life’s true joys. It brings a feeling of euphoria, passion, connection, and hope for a happy future. It can lead to a lifetime of loving contentment. Of course, sometimes it lapses and becomes one of our memories, sometimes pleasant and sometimes not. The “high” that comes from this feeling of loving passion, at least, for some people is so compelling that they use it to fill gaps in their lives, much as they might use a drug. Being in love, for them, can resemble an addiction.

The source of an addiction is found within the person, not in the substance itself. Some people can use a drug, including alcohol, and not become addicted. Similarly, some people can enjoy the high of being in love as a positive life experience without any indication of addiction. Other people, depending on their needs, their abilities, or their backgrounds, use the euphoric feelings that come from an outside source of gratification (drugs, relationships … or gambling, video games, the list is endless) to create a false sense fulfillment in their lives. They have difficulty looking within to find a way to achieve contentment, so they look outside of themselves for a way to soothe their internal feelings. Everyone does this to a degree. But when it takes on a compulsive quality that inhibits more positive life experiences and leads to negative consequences, it can be called an addiction.

People who use relationships addictively, usually harbor a sense of incompleteness in their lives- emptiness, despair, feeling lost, or sadness. They may lack a feeling of attachment to love that has roots in early childhood. They believe their feelings can be remedied through finding that comforting feeling of euphoria that comes through a love relationship. An addictive relationship has a compulsive quality about it. While, a healthy relationship implies that both partners freely each other, in an addictive relationship there is a compulsive drive that limits this freedom (“I must stay in this relationship, even if it’s bad for me.”) There is also an overwhelming feeling of panic over the thought of losing the relationship, even if there are arguments between the two partners, and both know the relationship should end. If the relationship actually ends, there are pronounced withdrawal symptoms, much like drug, nicotine, or alcohol addicts experience when they go “cold turkey.” They may experience weeping, physical pain, sleep disturbance, depression, irritability, and the feeling that they have no place to turn to now. These feelings are so intense that they might drive the person into another addictive relationship immediately. After this period of turmoil ends, however, the addicted person senses a period of triumph or liberation, and they don’t typically go through the long, slow experience of acceptance and healing that characterizes the ending of a healthier relationship.

A healthy love relationship can be viewed in terms of two independent people who come together and make a commitment to each other. They each have the freedom to live as they choose within the boundaries of the commitment, and they are loved by their partner for showing integrity, and how they live. Their partner encourages them to follow the beat of their own drum. The commitment enhances, each partner’s ability to experience a full life – with love, security, and support.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

The National Sleep Foundation tells us that nearly half of us don’t get enough sleep. In modern-day society, because of night work, television, computers, and the profound stress we experience in everyday life, our sleep is often disrupted. Sleep is a basic biological need, like hunger and thirst. When we don’t get enough of it, our bodies let us know that there are consequences. Sleep is a regular, natural state of rest characterized by a reduction in voluntary body movement and a decreased awareness of the surroundings. Sleep is not a state of falling completely into unconsciousness, but rather an altered state of consciousness that performs a restorative function for the brain and body.

An older view of the function of sleep suggested that sleep is a period of rest from the activity of the day. It occurs at night when we would be safer by staying out of harm’s way. We know now, however, that sleep is much more than just a period of recuperation from the energy expended during the course of the day. A great deal happens during our sleep that is vital to maintaining our health.

When we sleep, the brain produces enzymes that neutralize the damage done to cells by molecules called free radicals (in other words, sleep keeps our bodies younger longer). This is just one of the many processes that happen during our sleep. One recent research study, for example, successfully found that babies learn the placement of their own limbs during their sleep. As their arms and feet twitch during sleep, the brain maps out the positioning of their limbs and forms new neural connections. Adults use the same process to maintain existing connections in their nervous systems. Other research suggests that sleep may contribute to new nerve cells in the brain.

Most people seek a life filled with meaning, contentment, gratification, and pleasure. In moments of reflection, we may ponder what we can do to direct our lives away from anxiety, anger, stress, and depression but toward a state of fulfillment.

Psychotherapy is making strides in devising methods people can use to move to the next step, from unhappiness to true happiness. It shifts the perspective from negative to positive. There is a place for understanding and treating more negative life experiences, but in many cases, the focus should be on the positive.

There are some things we can do about our life circumstances to increase our level of personal happiness. International studies have found that people who are in committed relationships tend to be happier. People who are lucky enough to avoid negative events i.e. divorce, job loss, death of loved one. Those that are religious report higher levels of happiness. If you are blessed to live in a sunny area of the world you tend to be happier.

So, what are some things that you can do to help increase your level of happiness. Understanding that happiness is an internal experience based on staying true to one’s authentic self is a must. First, identify your own personal strengths. Then examine how to incorporate these strengths in your daily life. The truer to your own personal strengths and beliefs the closer you can get to an authentically happy life.

* Excerpts of this blog are from our Emotional Wellness Matters Newsletter.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Grieving comes to most of us at some point in our lives. In fact, statistics show that each person can expect to experience the loss of a loved one once every 9 to 13 years. The resulting sadness may be the most painful of life’s experiences. Because it is painful, however, our eventual adaptation to the loss can bring meaning and integrity to our lives, and this, ultimately, is a gift to us from the one we have lost. It is a reminder to us that the circle is unbroken.

Our ability to adapt to loss is an important feature of the course of our lives. Change can instigate growth. Loss can give rise to gain. If we do not grieve the loss, however, it may drain us of energy and interfere with our living fully in the present. If we are not able to mourn at all, we may spend our lives under the spell of issues and past relationships, living in the past and failing to connect with the experience of the present.

Grieving is a process of experiencing our reactions to loss. It is similar to the term bereavement, which means the state, not the process, of suffering from a loss. Normal grieving is an expected part of the process of recuperating from a loss. The intensity of the process comes as a surprise to most people, and it becomes one of the most significant experiences. People have their own individual responses. People will experience the process in the same way.

The first reaction to the loss of a loved one is usually a sense of disbelief, shock, numbness, and bewilderment. The survivor may experience a period of denial, and which the reality of the loss is put out of mind. This reaction provides the person some time to prepare to deal with the inevitable pain.

All of us grieve in different ways, depending on the circumstance of the death, our own personal characteristics, and the meanings attached to the death by those left behind. Nonetheless, there are some specific actions that most of us can take to complete the process in a way that allows us to move on, eventually, to a whole and meaningful life again.

Allow yourself to grieve and feel the depth of your loss. Grieving is hard. We may feel that we should be strong and hold in our emotions, thoughts, and feelings as the only way to get through a trying time. This approach, however, makes it very difficult to complete the process of grieving. It is important to accept the reality of the loss. The person who died is gone and will not return. This fact must be accepted in order for the grief process to continue. Try to understand why the death occurred and the events that led to the death. Give yourself permission to feel and think about whatever comes up regarding your loss. If happy thoughts and feelings come your way, allow them to happen. Similarly, if dreadful pain, sadness, and anxiety show up, when tears turn to uncontrollable sobs, give into these temporary feelings. Embrace your sadness, know it and make it your own. If it is difficult to open yourself to these feelings, it may help to make a personal commitment to complete the grief process in the near future. Vow to yourself that for your own benefit, for the good of others in your life, and for your future happiness, you need to get through your loss completely and in a healthy way. This means open yourself up to all of the feelings and thoughts, both positive and negative, and let them happen.

Grief is a very personal experience and one of our most painful to endure. It is also a journey into the depths of our lives that can ultimately reveal our strength of character.

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

How others treat us greatly influences the way we see ourselves. We all know people who genuinely like themselves and feel content with their lives.

Because they see the positive in themselves, they’re able to understand and appreciate the good of other people. They treat others with a sense of respect, a skill they know well, because this is how they treat themselves. When our feelings about ourselves are positive, we show others that we like and value ourselves, and then others tend to treat us well. But when we have negative feelings about ourselves, so that we are too critical, complaining and pessimistic, others tend to take this attitude towards us as well. How we treat ourselves helps determine how others will treat us.

The thoughts we have about ourselves, or how we define ourselves, contribute to our self-image. The feelings we have about these thoughts, whether these feelings are good or bad, are the building blocks of our self-esteem. Our self-image, and gradually our self-esteem, can be molded by our parents, parents, family, friends, physical, or intellectual abilities, education, and jobs. Just as we have definitions for most things in the world, we also have definitions for ourselves. We come to define ourselves, the way others define us. Thus, if others treat us with love and kindness, as if we are special and unique people, then we will eventually define ourselves in this way as well. On the other hand, if other people treat us as if we are a bother to have around and not worth much, then we will also come to see ourselves in this way.

Some people confuse healthy, positive self-esteem, with audacity or arrogance, a false sense of superiority over other people. True self-esteem, however, means that we do not have to assert ourselves at the expense of other people. Indeed, it is those with negative self-esteem who must resort to the tactic of exaggerating their own self-worth, usually by putting others down. Those are positive self-esteem Emma can acknowledge their own worth and validate the positive qualities of others.

Try these techniques for working on positive thoughts:

1. Write down your negative thoughts. This increases your awareness of them, and you can discover patterns in your negative thinking. You may also be able to see what triggers negativity.
2. Limit negative thinking. Whenever you find yourself having negative thoughts, tell yourself, stop! This, privately to yourself, or perhaps, out loud, or give yourself a little tap on the wrist as a reminder.
3. Replace the negative with a positive thought and do this immediately after stopping the negative thought. It may take some creativity and effort to learn how to change negative thoughts to positive ones.

 

*This newsletter is intended to offer information only and recognizes that individual issues may differ from those broad guidelines. Personal issues should be addressed within a therapeutic context with a professional familiar with the details of the problem. Copyright 2018 Simmonds Publications: 550 La Jolla Blvd., 306, La Jolla, CA 92037

Ask people what they fear the most and many of them will answer, speaking in public. In surveys that ask people about their fears, about one person in five reports, an extreme fear of public speaking. Shyness and other forms of social anxiety are common, and they prevent people from fully experiencing life.

Shyness refers to the tendency to withdraw from people, particularly people who are unfamiliar. Everyone has some degree of shyness, in fact, a person without any shyness at all is probably one who does not make good judgments about maintaining appropriate boundaries between people. A bit of shyness is a good thing. But when a high level of shyness prevents a person from engaging in normal, social interactions, from functioning, while at work, or from developing intimate relationships, it presents a problem, which, fortunately, can be alleviated.

Shyness is one form of the broader term, social anxiety. This concept, also known as social phobia, refers to a special kind of anxiety that people feel when they are around other people. It is associated with concerns about being scrutinized. Shyness and social anxiety are closely related, but social anxiety includes other situations, such as speaking in public, taking tests, sports performance, and dating. Closely related to the concepts of shyness and social anxiety are embarrassment and shame. Embarrassment is what a person feels when something unexpected happens and drives unwanted attention (such as knocking over a glass of water in a restaurant). This creates a temporary feeling of discomfort. Shame on the other hand is longer lasting. Shame is a feeling that comes from being disappointed in oneself.

Who are the people most likely to suffer from social anxiety? Parents recognize some children are easily frightened from birth on and cry. A great deal, well, others seem more resilient by temperament, they seldom cry, hardly ever get upset, and are less easily frightened. Children love to explore the world around them. Others are cautious and don’t tolerate change well. Children who are inhibited are more likely to have a parent with social anxiety disorder. An anxious person is more likely to have a parent or sibling who suffers from depression. Many people with social anxiety disorder report having one or both parents who have a substance abuse problem, such as drinking, or come from a family and which:

1. There is substantial conflict between the adults,
2. Parents are overly critical of the children, or things are never good enough,
3. There is excessive concern about what other people think.

National surveys find that about 5% of children and adolescents suffer from social anxiety disorder. Children with an anxiety problem seldom report that they are feeling anxious. Instead, they report the presence of physical symptoms, which include headaches, stomachaches, nausea, rapid heartbeat, dry mouth, blushing, dizziness, And shortness of breath. They try to avoid the following situations: speaking in class, taking test, reading aloud, writing on the board, inviting friends, over to play, eating in front of others, going to parties, and playing sports. Children and adolescence with social anxiety disorder may go onto develop other related problems, such as loneliness, depression, and low self-esteem. Although some children overcome their shyness in time, as interactions with others, caused their fear to dissipate, others will experience worsening of symptoms. If a child shows symptoms by the age of six that have not improved by the age of 10, it is probably time to seek professional intervention.

The single most important strategy for overcoming social anxiety is to face your fear. Get back on the horse again. Take the car out for a drive once more. Go swimming again. Get back on an airplane. Give another speech before an audience. Go to another dinner party. Ask somebody else to go out on a date. Managing your physical symptoms and changing your thinking do little good unless you come to terms with your fears by getting back into anxiety provoking situation doing this takes courage. Avoiding it perpetuates the problem.